I’ve been burning to write this story for nearly 2 years.
I fill journals, scribbling memories, moments of magic,
pages overflow poems.
I’ve been living a life like a movie, a character in a dream.
A journey of twists & turns, the flashbacks flicker through my vision,
As I scribble.
Mapping out the journey like the screenplay of a film,
I will words to pour onto paper,
to empty effortlessly from the depths of my being.
But the pen hovers, and words fail to fall.
For how do I even begin to articulate the essence of these experiences?
How do I paint such divine pictures of colour with words, when the shadows of my unshakable limiting self beliefs still shout,
“You are not a good enough writer! Its never going to work!”
The question of, where to begin, has held me back for far too long, and it’s killing me, this burning desire to translate experience into form…
And then in a moment, its clearer than this sunkissed day,
For, where else would I begin, other than
This Very Present Moment.
I am here. I am willing to share.
Vulnerably, clumsily, imperfectly, from my heart.
And that is enough. Exactly as I am in this moment, is enough.
It’s the end of a summer like no other.
Four months of living on the road,
travelling through Europe, from the Burn to the Rainbow,
to the West Coast flow.
The magic of life feels almost unreal,
as we fly between festivals & gatherings,
on tour with musicians, a travelling community,
a soul family so deeply intwined in connection.
And after such a blissful ride, its the time when my USA Visa expires,
my travel family grounds down to work,
I am presented with the option to decide.
To go home and work a job that doesn’t feel aligned,
or to continue on this path, honouring what feels right in the heart
and eliminating anything not serving my highest truth, purpose & art!
For I can no longer ignore,
the burning passion residing in my core.
A desire to tell this story simmers furiously within,
transmuting to a knowing that I must continue on this journey.
So my intention becomes clear.
I begin my journey to a previous home in Guatemala;
a flourishing spiritual community of travellers,
where I feel inspired to live simply,
in harmony with nature,
in an environment that best supports my spiritual growth & creativity,
as I explore my new purpose,
my new passions & intentions.
As I part ways from my friends, I know I will see them again soon,
yet feeling the weight of a forced departure,
my heart, a little torn apart…
As I take the biggest leap of trust yet,
directly into my fears, directly into the great unknown.
This time without money to support,
Im really stepping into the trust, that following my heart & my art,
will manifest abundance to flow, in ways I do not even know.
Its a terrifying leap, but I’m trusting the net will catch me
& i’ll land on my feet.
After 4 months riding the highs of constant movement
& gypsy life flow,
I find myself alone on a plane soaring in the direction, of Mexico.
The world whirls by as I gaze out of local bus windows,
the colourful lands of Latin America, rich with vibrant culture,
swirl around me.
Yet I feel numb inside,
spoilt by a life or euphoric highs.
One new experience after the next,
and now I crave the time, to really integrate.
I’m aware of my needs.
The cry from my heart to be grounded,
has never been so clear.
Screaming, for stillness & a solid home.
A place to ground down and create in alone.
I follow my intuition to a paradise beach & community,
a stopping point along the way.
Tropical cliffs of luscious jungle, hug the idilic bay.
And, I’m floating in the most beautiful ocean,
Yet, i'm drowning inside...
And this is one of those significant moments of my journey,
where I find myself so unusually lonely.
I am in awe, in paradise, but i never felt so cold.
As tears pour down my salty cheeks, I let out a cry,
A prayer to the earth, a call to the sea, into the depths of all infinity…
I’m on the edge of the abyss and I’m slipping in,
yet I recognise what's actually, happening.
My conditioning is resurfacing,
and i'm residing back to a place of planning,
needing the security of knowing what the future holds,
It all comes back, to fear & control.
I know it's all within me, everything that I seek.
but still, I long for home, wholeness, friends & family.
And for a moment then, I’m looking at flights,
but then I remember how i've already learned this lesson,
once or twice.
And when I walked directly into the fear itself,
the magic that unfolded,
was the most transformational experience yet.
I’m still on this path because of that precious lesson,
I know i’m here for a reason, reminded to follow my intuition!
I find myself in a famous yoga school,
the reason that drew me here in the first place.
A school that sits softly on the cliff's edge,
soaking up the magic of sunrises and sunsets,
as waves of quiet bays, gently wash it all away.
Today the universe is speaking clearly, it all just aligns.
A month long intensive course starts the very next day,
and i’m offered a scholarship discount, after I share my story.
For days I battle the waves of resistance,
as my mind tries to stop me, in any way it can.
Providing endless reasons why this month long commitment,
was never in my plan!
But I know this,
how fighting these currents with resistance,
ceases Beauty, Flow & Bliss.
Dancing in a silent cycle, with the moon & the sun.
Watching her rise over the expanse of the ocean.
Honouring her as she sets into the jungle hum.
And so I return to the trust,
Diving deep into my centre,
Riding the waves, feeling every push & pull
as the tide drags me
Forward, Backwards, Under.
I am torn apart, and put back together.
Back to my practice & back to my centre.
Committed to doing the work that it takes,
to still this restless mind, & witness.
To understand the human condition.
Recognise what holds me back from my fullest potential.
I enter into 10 days of silent mediation.
The joy of resting with the self, blossoms and opens.
I clear my mind.
I still my thoughts.
I uncover my patterns.
I witness my reactions.
I slow my breath,
I will the strength,
To repeat this cycle all over again.
And through this stillness, something speaks…
The whispering voice of my heart.
The flow of my words.
Poetry dripping from the corners
of my smile.
I am reborn, reawakened, astounded by
The doubts that ruled me,
The fears that shook me,
As I swam helplessly in the ocean, just 1 month ago.
And now I witness myself, sitting in the exact same spot,
resting into a deep, blissful mediation.
Empty & absorbed in the beauty of, Nothingness.
And even though I could now stay on this paradise beach forever,
I listen closely, and hear a clear message from my heart.
"Go to the lake in Guatemala. Now is the moment, just trust!"
I'm sad to leave, but it's the clearest message from spirit that i've ever recieved.
I pack my bags,
& I'm ready to fly,
to walk on.
Committed to doing the work that it takes
to still this restless mind, & witness.
To understand the human condition,
recognise what holds me back from my full potential.
I choose to rise up & reach high.
I choose to create the space in my life, to intimately know myself,
my passions & what makes me feel most ALIVE.
To follow the longings of my heart,
In honour of my art,
In commitment to my creativity,
In worth of the wonder within.
I have taken many leaps of trust on this long unfolding journey, guided by the beat of my heart and my strengthening intuition, I repeatedly I find myself balancing on that cliff edge, playing the character of The Fool, gazing out into the complete unknown, knowingly.
As I feel the weight of the decisions that inevitably will change the course of my path, fears & doubts arise, grasping for security, for safety, for certainty of an outcome. But it’s this very act of complete trust, surrender & openness that leads and unlocks such potential. The unlimited possibilities that lie ahead.
Living in this openness, this freedom, this willingness, this allowance for the path to change course in any given moment. You can still make plans and commitments, but its always good to check back in with your intentions, to reflect on the progress and know that you have the choice in every moment to decide.
It's a choice. And we are ALL free to choose. Sure, It’s not always easy. I could have come home many times out of fear. Fear of having no money, no security, no control of the future or a future plan. The loneliness when missing home, family, friends. The “should be doing this”, the “what ifs”, and the “what makes the most sense”. But instead I learn what it is to make decisions, from my heart & not my head, recognising what thought patterns come from a place of fear and societal conditioning…
The twists and turns of this journey all lead to a deeper understanding of the self. I marvel at how deeply I have come to know myself these past few years, yet still knowing how much deeper these layers can go. I once found my fulfilment through socialising & relationships, the shared experience of life & love. And now I witness my priorities changing dramatically, shifting to finding fulfilment from my spiritual growth & creative self expression. From letting go, going deeper, trusting more & expecting less. And It feels profound, to really step into making the conscious choice to design my own life… a life of more beauty, simplicity, balance & happiness.
So why not take the leap, make the jump!
Surrender into Not Knowing.
Play the character of The Fool.
& Be open to the new paths the lie before you….